Mike Phillips

Nickname:
Complete Twat

Real name:
Mike Phillips

Age:
Physical 43, Mental 12

Height:
of physical perfection

Weight:
This is a highly guarded secret known only to a select few, though somewhere between Hippopotamus and Sperm Whale is probably not a bad guess

Occupation:
Odd Job Man

Position:
Ten yards behind the play, though his stomach always seems to be there or thereabouts

Tries:
To drink more than anyone else (Fails miserably)

Conversions:
He has recently changed from eating Chicken Bhuna to Beef Curry, at his local Chinese

Awards:
Most penalties conceded in a single game

Injuries:
Are likely if he falls on you

Robert Aplin

Nickname:
Hi De High or Yetti

Real name:
Robert Aplin

Age:
Is just a number

Height:
5"1

Weight:
For him to finish his pint

Occupation:
MOT Inspector ( Ministry Of Tents )

Position:
Usually, on a barstool to the left of his missus

Tries:
You got to be joking !!

Conversions:
Loft

Neck:
None

Ears:
Ruined

Martin Broome

Nickname:
Steptoe

Real name:
Martin Broom

Age:
Before beauty

Height:
Never been measured he doesn't want to upset his hair

Weight:
For Ross to put the ball in

Occupation:
Gardener / Rag and bone man

Position:
Hooker ( Sells his body for beer )

Tries:
To unsuccessfully have a conversation whilst pissed

Conversions:
Wellington to Wivey

Awards:
Proof (that drinking is bad for you)

Injuries:
Bad hair

Pete Thompson

Nickname:
Thomo

Real name:
Peter Thompson

Age:
England was still attached to France when he was born

Height:
1 Inch before Viagra, 2 Inches after!

Weight:
For a while for someone else to go to the bar

Occupation:
Friend, councillor and shoulder to cry on

Position:
Next to the toilet at his age he has to be quick

Tries:
To escape by 7.30 pm

Conversions:
Catholic to C of E

Awards:
Worst dressed Superhero '2003'

Injuries:
Only when he arrives home too late

Daryl Smith

Nickname:
Sick note

Real name:
Daryl Smith

Age:
15330 days

Height:
5"8

Weight:
For his round

Occupation:
He occupies the bar

Position:
Bench

Tries:
Not to get hurt

Conversions:
Guinness to Ale

Awards:
Cleanest post-match shirt '1997'

Injuries:
Too many to mention

Rocky Adams

Nickname:
Rocky

Real name:
Richard Adams

Age:
Does he look like he can count that high?

Height:
Of innocence

Weight:
For him to catch up with play

Occupation:
Sumo Wrestler

Position:
On his back most of the time

Tries:
To retire every Season

Conversions:
Pounds to Kilos

Awards:
Weight watchers slimmer of the week

Injuries:
He's caused a few

Derek Sharland

Nickname:
Dwreck

Real name:
Derek Sharland

Age:
Lies about it

Height:
5'6 standing up 4'1 lying down

Weight:
For him to tie his boot laces

Occupation:
Hole Digger

Position:
Down a hole

Tries:
To avoid any hospital passes from Ross

Conversions:
Goes from bad to worse

Awards:
Being able to tie his boot laces 19/11/2005

Injuries:
Forever moaning about his injuries

Chester Locke

Nickname:
Betty Swallerks

Real name:
Chester Locke

Age
You ask him, I'm not going to

Height:
Of boredom

Weight:
While he changes the barrel

Occupation:
Bar manager

Position:
Behind the bar

Tries:
To water down the beer

Conversions:
Rumour has it that Chester is also known as Betty

Awards:
Hairiest legs at the club '1991','1992','2000'

Injuries:
Beer belly whiplash

Wivey 1st Team

Nickname:
Wivey 1sts

Real name:
Wiveliscombe RFC 1st Team

Age:
Doesn't stop them

Height:
158ft (combined)

Weight:
Have you seem them !!

Occupation:
They say that they're a rugby team (some would disagree)

Position:
Middle of the league

Tries:
Their Best

Conversions:
Young to old

Awards:
Runner up most gruesome team in the club (Second to Wivey Ladies)

Injuries:
The list is like a phone book

Ben Parnell

Nickname:
Polzy

Real name:
Ben Parnell

Age:
Which life?

Height:
5"6

Weight:
For his hair to grow

Occupation:
He loves his wife

Position:
Entertainer

Tries:
To Drink alcohol

Conversions:
0 to Pissed in 60 seconds

Awards:
Most original song Somerton 2005

Injuries:
Nappy Rash

Ben Elkins

Nickname:
Baldie

Real name:
Ben Elkins

Age:
Am I at maths teacher??

Height:
Does it include the thumb on top his head?

Weight:
For his wife to let him play

Occupation:
Education

Position:
Under the thumb

Tries:
To hide his hair loss

Conversions:
A tenner For two fives

Awards:
Degree in being under the thumb

Injuries:
Broken Finger nail

Chris Burston

Nickname:
Old Grumpy

Real name:
Chris Burston

Age:
60+

Height:
Of intelligence

Weight:
While he gets his hearing aid

Occupation:
Are you mad?, this man retired before most of us were born

Position:
Hunched over in the corner

Tries:
Not to lose his bus-pass

Conversions:
Imperial to metric

Awards:
Most abstract pitch markings '2001' ,'2002' ,'2003'

Injuries:
Touch Judge wrist

Jimmy Beale

Nickname: Balboa
Real name: Jimmy Beale
Age: New age
Height: Of fashion
Weight: Whilst he does his hair and make up
Occupation: Florist I think
Position: Bending over picking up his soap
Tries: To convince us wearing pink trousers and flowery shirts is normal behaviour
Conversions: Male to female at weekends
Awards: Best homosexual in the Village
Injuries: No, avoids contact at any cost

Tony Lockyer

Real name: Tony Lockyer
Age: Stone age
Height: Unknown (he's always on the ground)
Weight: For his next cigarette
Occupation: Inventor of the square wheel
Position: Next to the First aid bag
Tries: Last a full game without injury
Conversions: Stone age to Iron age
Awards: Most swear words in one sentence
Injuries: A perfect example why animals are put down

Omar Rawlings

Nickname: Omar
Real name: Omar Rawlings
Age: Just a puppy
Height: 5'7 but 13'6 in his Amoured Patrol Carrier
Weight: For Charlotte to drag him out the pub
Occupation: The 'twats' bodyguard
Position: Bottom of the league just like Portsmouth
Tries: He certainly does !
Conversions: Single to Hen pecked
Awards: Bravest man in the squad '2004','2005'

Frances Billinger

Real name:
Francis Bilinger

Age:
One huunndreed & eeiigghty.

Height:
The number 14 on a dart board

Weight:
For him to get another tattoo

Occupation:
He's a lumberjack and he OK. He.............

Position:
Proping against a tree

Tries:
Now come on - Seriously

Conversions:
Trees to logs

Awards:
Runner up most tattoo's 2004, second to a member of Wivey ladies

Injuries:
Muddy Tattoo